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Monday, 28 April 2008

Monday, 21 April 2008

  • 42.

    I am really excited.  On Wednesday I am going with my Christian Worship class to visit the Monastary.  Now I know that it doesn't sound like a very thrilling adventure, but I am really looking forward to being forced into a day of silence.  That way I can finally shut up and listen to what God has to say to me, no distractions.

    This semester has been crazy.  I have been stretched to limits I couldn't even imagine.  I have given God control in some parts of my life that I feverishly fought to keep.  My summer is looking more and more exciting as the numbers are shrinking.  42 days!  Pleasant Vineyard Ministries...I can't even explain my excitement.  Honestly, I've never been to camp--ever.  And working as a cabin counselor?  I have no idea what to expect, not in the least bit.

    I just know that there will hungry hearts and that God is going to use me as an instrument to feed them.  I just know that God has been laying the foundation for this summer through every event in my life.  That makes me so nervously excited to no measure. 

    I have learned that East is much better than Dorcas.  I have learned that laughter is an absolute must.  I have accepted that I cannot know the path of the wind, what truly happens in the formation of a child in the womb, and I cannot know the plans of God.  God will reward obedience with an explanation rather than use an explanation to spur your obedience.  Thank you John C. Maxwell.

    I am feeling much better about myself.  I am getting to enjoy the sun more!  Dr. Norm cancelled our last fifteen page paper!  I walked 3 miles today and 3 miles yesterday!  I am just pretty much excited and thrilled for life.

     

    I am also trying very hard and seeking patience in prayerfully going through the scriptures.  Today in class, Dr. Norm said something that moved me very much.  The purpose of being in the Scriptures is not to get through them but to live in them.  So, I'm starting with Psalm 1:1.  And I'm meditating it and praying it and listening.  Because until I am absolutely positive that God has spoken to me through this passage, then I'm not moving forward.  I'm starting with the Psalms because they just seemed so fitting for prayer.  Why not start prayerfully in the largest book of prayers in the Bible ;).

    I am rambling and no one reads this anyway.

Wednesday, 16 April 2008

  • I want to be so sold out for God that there is no questioning who and what He is to me.

    Instead, I keep remembering that April 19th 2005 I was told that if I was going to continue to struggle with cutting, I might as well kill myself.  April 24th 2005 I was told that I was worthless and a waste of everyone's time.  April 24th I made cuts, deep cuts, on my wrists.  I sat there, a moment of realization.  I could get help or I could die.  What's on the other side?  What's out there that is more than this?  What does life have for me?  I chose life.  I remember that night.  I won't give anymore details.  I don't want to hurt anyone with what happened afterwards because it doesn't show the true character of all those involved.

    Three years later?  I still struggle with feeling like I'm worthless and a waste of everyone's time.  I fumble.  I stumble.  I get in everyone's way.

    June 1st?  I'm going to be at PVM.  June 1st I am going to be a spiritual leader.  I am horrified.  Right now, right in this very second I am more tired than I think I have ever been.  I am exhausted.  I am tired of running from this.  I want to face my past.  I want to embrace it.  Instead, every time I get pushed in the wrong way, I hit the ground running.  Today I walked and walked and walked and walked until I couldn't feel my legs.  Then I stood with a group that I shouldn't have felt so disconnected from.  I felt like forcing jigsaw pieces together that were from different boxes.  Funny what time does to people.

    I tried writing at the lake and my words got swallowed by this monster inside of me.  He is hungry and wants all of this inside, bubbling, boiling, breaking me.

    I played rock band for hours.  Lost in beats and laughter and headaches of off key singing and missing the beats repeatedly.  But, ultimately, I feel false, phony. 

    I keep pretending that I'm okay.  I'm not okay.  Not right now.

    But Jesus promised me rest.  I will embrace that.  He promised a light yoke.  I will take it.  God promised to hold my right hand.  He is. 

    I just want to be better.  Really better.

Wednesday, 09 April 2008

Monday, 31 March 2008

  • It's not that I don't want things to matter.  It isn't even that things don't matter.  I am stuck in this perpetual state of wanting the appropriate things to matter.  I want this fog to be lifted.  I want more concern with the state of the world than with what color my shirt really is and how to get the smell of fire lifted from my hair.  I want depression to not be so self-centered.  I hurt.  And when I hurt?  I hurt inside and out.  It's the kind of pain that gives everything else leverage.  Simple jokes become the most deadly arrows from the closest of friends.  The mouth speaks from the heart.  So I stop talking.  I don't have anything to talk about.  I don't feel anything monumental.  I feel these fleeting, yet repeating, same things.  I feel glad when appropriate.  I feel outraged when I percieve that it is an approrpriate feeling.  Yet, when it comes to feeling joy or love or heartache, you know those emotions that aren't supposed to be shakeable?  I don't.  I know I could change the world.  I know I'm good.  Heck, I know I could be great.  I keep staring at this sameness, casually marking things off of my to-do list.  I keep sitting here because all that matters is the fact that the taste doesn't taste the way that it should and I can't remember if periwinkle is lighter or darker than baby blue.